The Gospel of the Easter Bunny
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Truths For Mature Humans
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
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Innocence Is Priceless
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INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood
beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning
Father,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Father, what is this? ' The
pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00 ?'
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Dear God, From the Dog
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TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God:
Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God:
If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God:
We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?
_________________________________
Dear God:
Let me give you a list
of just some of the things
I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food
before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.,
just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with
Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch
is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside
and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the
living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when
I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God:
When I get to Heaven
may I have my testicles back?
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Top 10 Reasons to Be an Episcopalian
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By Robin Williams
10. No snake handling.
9. You can believe in dinosaurs.
8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
7. You don't have to check your brains at the door.
6. Pew aerobics.
5. Church year is color-coded.
4. Free wine on Sunday.
3. All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.
2. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.
And the Number One Reason to be an Episcopalian:
1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
Robin Williams is an Episcopalian. He told this top ten on an HBO special
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